The quest for pointlessness

So, a 40-year-old woman from Seattle named Beautiful Existence — and if that isn’t a cry for help, I don’t know what is — decided to eat only from Starbucks and its associated brands for an entire calendar year. And she did it. And now the story is exploding in the media. Woo fucking hoo.

I’m pretty sure that I pooped every day in 2013. Unfortunately, I didn’t take photos of my poops, of the public and private bathrooms in which I pooped, and of the receipts of the food I ate that led to said poops. I didn’t photograph the meals before I ate them and the empty plates after. And why didn’t I? Because nobody cares. (Well, there might be a few German fetishists out there…)

Instead of celebrating this vapid woman’s pointless achievement, perhaps the appropriate reaction should be ridicule, because all of this attention for an unbelievably unimportant “accomplishment” is only going to encourage more people. And I know that there are plenty of people out there who will ask why I care about this or who will point out that even by ridiculing her, I am acknowledging her “accomplishment.” All true. At the same time, in a country where people continue to shoot each other on a daily basis, in a country where people are living in tent cities, it’s important to ridicule this attention whore’s self-importance.

Can someone take a second and say that she accomplished nothing more than waking up each morning and going to her local coffee shop, and then going back for lunch and for dinner? And why is her “accomplishment” so worthy of such attention, of national news coverage? I realize that we live in a country so obsessed with celebrity that any god-fearin’ Klansman with a fringe business can grow a beard and become a multimillionaire, but can we take a collective step back and ask ourselves, “Where are we going as a society?”

We can blame a world ruled by social media, but that would be too simple. We can blame a world ruled by multinational corporations who run media outlets that are instructed to turn every snowflake into Winter Storm Hercules. (And can I take a second to tell The Weather Channel to go and fuck itself for turning meteorological events that affect peoples’ lives into opportunities to sell a few t-shirts?)

The real problem is that people with mental health issues are not treated. I don’t know Beautiful Existence, but I’ll generalize and say that anyone that changes her name to Beautiful Existence (and forgive me if her original surname is Existence) — it appears that she’s had it legally changed to Existence — should take the $600 per month she spent last year at Starbucks and instead invest it in electroshock therapy. All that Beautiful Existence has proven by eating at Starbucks for a year is that anyone can do something pointless and costly if she puts her mind to it. It’s a shame that anybody cares.


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