Roy’s Things – 1/13/14

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For many years, the late Larry King wrote a column that ran in USA Today every Monday. Comprised of a series of nonsensical sentences, few of which had any connection to the one prior or after, it was the only reason to purchase McNewspaper. In his honor…

I remember when hot dogs at Gray’s Papaya were a nickel. A nickel…. I look forward to seeing Frank Thomas in the Baseball Hall of Fame this summer, but I can’t wait until he is joined there by Fred McGriff…. Speaking of baseball, Dan Le Batard crowdsourced his Baseball Hall of Fame ballot to the readers of deadspin.com and the Baseball Writers Association of America stripped him of his future Hall of Fame vote. How did they not see this coming from a man whose last name translates into English as “The Bastard”?… The last person I saw wear a dress as badly as Lena Dunham did at the Golden Globe Awards last night? J. Edgar Hoover…. You know what you can’t find anymore? Yoo-hoo…. The more of the story I hear, the more I think that Chris Christie is a fat man on thin ice…. Over the past week, there have been numerous news reports warning of an impending Velveeta shortage. In related news, Honey Boo Boo‘s family’s recent car accident occurred while they were on an emergency Velveeta restocking run to Wal-Mart…. My first choice was always the Stage Deli, but since it closed, I can live with Katz’s and the Carnegie Deli… The last time I spoke with Alanis Morrissette, I ended the conversation because it was clear that she didn’t want to talk to me and I was more than okay with that because I didn’t know that she made more than one decent album…. The only way for Bill De Blasio to make up for eating pizza with a fork and knife is to take two slices, place one on top of the other, and eat them, like Tony Manero, while walking down a Brooklyn street. He also needs to be toting a few cans of paint… X Box One? Playstation 4? Give me Colecovision with the joystick that wrapped around my hand… If a masseuse gives you a happy ending but you didn’t request it, is that considered cheating?… How about when it happens at the gas station?… A dining out tip: When someone asks you to describe how your dinner at the restaurant was, if the answer is “big,” don’t go to that restaurant…. There is no better form of entertainment than a roast…. Why have Doc Marten never been considered acceptable formal footwear?… Sunflower seeds? Good. David’s Bar-b-q sunflower seeds? Addicting…. I just saw an ad for Christmas 2014…. The best way to avoid having your credit card compromised when you shop at big-box retailers? Pay with bad checks…. Who still goes to those seedy stores on the edge of the highway to buy their porn?… There is no more unlikable person in sports than Bill Belichick. He’s Taylor Swift with a hoodie…. You hear a news story about a guy who is suing the NFL for not making enough Super Bowl tickets available at reasonable prices and you can’t help but thinking, “Please don’t be Jewish. Please don’t be Jewish”…. Missoula, Montana, hello…

 

 

 

 

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